Jarm69, Author at Crazy & Co.

Rover SD1, British Leylands Finest

21 May 2020

In the picture above is a blue Rover SD1, . My dad bought that when I was about 18. I remember it coming and thinking wow, its the same car as the police used. It sure did look modern and impressive for its time, and I think it was a European car of the year.

Now, truth be told, the impressive police version used Rovers venerable V8 power plant. Ours was the paltry 2 litre version. Which to be charitable was a bit asthmatic on the power front.

Once we started using the car I found it a mixed bag. The space and comfort was far superior to anything I had driven before. But its short comings soon became apparent. One advantage of the smaller engine version was that when you put your foot down less bits fell off inside. You would turn a corner and bits of interior trim would whizz pass your head. The fit and finish looked like Stevie Wonder had done the final quality control.

When Your Best Friends With The AA Man

During our Rover experience we were members of the AA. Which was quite fortunate seeing as quite often the car returned on the back of an AA transporter. I think in the end the AA wrote to us and told us that we were overusing their service and they were going to have to rethink our membership.

In the 3 years we owned it, it had 2 replacement engines. The second engine then had to have a total rebuild.

Other items failed at random intervals, the gearbox, differential, electrical components. In fact midway through our final year of ownership a fuse had blown for one of the electrical windows. When we looked to replace the blown fuse, we noticed that 2 were blown, so we changed them both. Suddenly after 2 and a half years we discovered we had central locking.

Fuel Pumps And A Work Out

One of the items that seemed to fail regularly was the fuel pump. This was a small cylindrical pump about the size of a bobbin of cotton. It lived in the actual fuel tank and would fail with depressing regularity. At the time it was about £200, which 30 years ago was a not inconsiderable sum.

My dad eventually got sick of paying for this and bought an electronic aftermarket pump that bolted on the side of the engine. At only £100 this was a nice saving.

I was out one day in the car towing a small tourer following dad, when the car once again chucked it. Because this was such a common state of affairs, It no longer caused a panic, and we carried a comprehensive tool kit in the boot.

Whilst investigating which of BL’s finest components had stranded me this day, an absolutely stunning woman pulled up behind me in a brand spanking new Jaguar sports car. Dressed to the nines she was walking down the side of my trailer when she asked, “Do you need a lift, you can jump in with me.”

As she actually reached me she suddenly realised that I was not only wearing an absolutely scruffy boiler-suit, but both my hands and face were scruffy. Some will say this was a rare occurrence for me to have engaged in manual labour, but we had just finished derigging at an event before hitting the road. As she took stock of me I could see her heart sink as she suddenly thought about her new leather seats. I smiled sweetly and thanked her but told her I could repair it. She made a feeble attempt to argue then beat a hasty retreat.

Electronic Genius

And you know what, I could fix it, my first business was building electronic control systems, so I had a good working knowledge of how electronic units worked.

What I managed to work out was how the pump worked. Basically when the ignition was turned on and power applied to the pump, the electric solenoid pumped once. As it pumped it broke a light beam on an optical switch. This immediately cut the power and the solenoid dropped, whereupon the light beam connected and supplied power for another pump cycle.

Unfortunately said opto switch was defunct, deceased, as dead as a parrot. But being a bit clever with electrics, I disconnected the positive feed. Tapped a wire on, and ran it through the door into the car. By tapping it on the cigarette lighter I could pump enough fuel to start the engine.

Trouble was whenever I came to an hill, the engine would splutter and I would have to tap faster. By the time I caught up with my dad, my left arm felt like it belonged to someone else.

I think I flagged my dad down and got my sister out of the cab of the lorry. She was promptly given fuel pumping duty.

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Fun Story

The Customer Is Always Right

17 May 2020

But Boy Sometimes You Want To Slap Them

The majority of our enquiries come through our various website’s. We are happy for potential clients to ring us, but email is easier, as when they put all the details down we can work out a price and get a quote to them quickly and efficiently.

But sometimes you get some clients contact you, and you end up thinking “I just don’t need their money this badly”.

A couple stick in mind. The first an enquiry from a lady who wanted to potentially hire a Flying Frogs Ride. The initial enquiry was as follows on our website;

Website Enquiry

Name Jane Doe (not really but we are keeping her details anonomous)

Telephone No 01234 567890

Email someone@gmail.com

Date Of Event 1st June 2012

Requirements I would like to hire a jumping frogs ride.

Venue My House

Now, most of the details are here. But, to give an accurate price, I need to work out where our equipment is going to. The venue of my house narrows it down to approximately 25 million possibilities. However she could be in Europe or anywhere.

I emailed back to tell her I needed her to be more specific about where the event was taking place. Her answer;

In a field at the bottom of the drive outside my house.

That is I suppose more specific, but of no real help. So I politely emailed back to her, informing her that as I didn’t know her personally I had no idea where her house was, and could she enlighten me.

The answer?

Next Door To My Mams!

At that point I gave up.

The second was a guy who rang to hire a burger van. Now, because of the amount of people who wanted to hire an empty catering unit for their own use, we actually used to have it state on our contact page that we don’t hire empty units out for anyone else to use. The customer would understand this surely?

Telephone Enquiry

The phone conversation went like this.

Caller “Hello, I know you don’t hire empty burger vans out for other people to use, but could you give me a price on an empty burger van?”

Me “Sprichst du Deutsch?”

Caller “You what”

Me ” Et le Francais?”

Caller “I dont understand”

Me “misschien ben je nederlands?”

Caller “Listen mate why are you speaking foreign languages to me?”

Me “Because I am trying to figure out what language you speak”

Caller “Well I speak English don’t I”

Me “Do you, so what part of we don’t hire empty burger vans out for people to use are you struggling with?”

Caller “Well I just thought you might hire one out to me!”

Me “Oh I do apologise, I didn’t realise you were the Duke of Kent”

Caller “Eh, I’m not am I”

Me “Well in that case we can’t help you.”

Now when they ring up for something similar I find it easier to give them a hire price, then inform them that there is a £35,000 cash deposit required to cover damage. That usually shuts the combination down pretty quickly.

So as they say, ‘The customer is always right’ but jeez.

VE Day, 75 Years

8 May 2020

Sat here locked down, like everyone else, I am looking through the window at a beautiful day. This is turning into one of the nicest years weather wise we have ever seen and the full funfair industry is non existant.

I know some that are struggling with the lockdown, it’s not just financial, but the mental strains are starting to tell, after a friend took his own life at the start of the year, a lot of friends actually started talking more about mental health. What became clear was just how fragile some people are, with an awful lot of friends I know personally on anti-depressants to control their moods. The strain of the lock down is starting to open some cracks up and its worrying.

6 Years Of War

With it being VE day I have sat and thought about what they suffered. Almost 6 years of being at war. Nutcase German pilots visiting nightly with the express intention of dropping a bomb on your head. Loved ones serving in the forces, away from home sometimes for years at a time, and you had no idea from one minute to the next whether they were safe, or some crazed little Japanese man was trying to stick a sword up their harris.

Don’t forget, we didn’t have email, Whatsapp, Facebook or mobile phones then. A husband or father could have been killed, and it might well have been weeks, if not months before you found out. I should imagine every knock on the door, or visit from the postman became a psychological ordeal.

Funfair In The War Years

To a large extent the funfair started the war as it is now, closed. Eventually the government came up with the idea of holidays at home to boost morale, and allowed some limited operations. Some enterprising operators managed to set up inside buildings and operated throughout the period.

In many ways it was actually easier for them than dealing with the virus. With radar and air raid sirens you did have a bit of warning that Franz and his Heinkel were coming to get you. The virus doesn’t afford us the same courtesy.

Today

This should have been one of the busiest days in our calendar, not just the traditional funfairs, but the corporate hire market was well booked up to boot. Obviously nothing will actually go ahead, and for a change we will all be sat doing very little on a bank holiday.

I saw an interview on morning television the other day where the gentleman being interviewed had a clear acrylic ‘Tommy’ sat on his desk. He was asking people to put them in the window for VE day, the funds raised from making them directly supports ex armed forces. Unfortunately it was too late to order one for today, but we have placed an order and will put it in the office window in tribute. As bad as this virus is, I don’t think it can compare to charging into machine gun fire on the beaches of Normandy, or trying to hold Japanese Banzai charges back in Kohima.

They were a tough breed then, woman keeping the family together, little more than kids taking to the skies in Spitfires and Hurricanes to face overwhelming odds in the sky. Sailors on Arctic convoys, braving the twin terrors of wolf packs and weather.

I think in the news recently, Captain Tom, sorry, as he has now become Colonel Tom, exemplifies just what Hitler was facing, poor simple silly sod to think that he had a chance against men like that.

A debt of gratitude is owed to all who served 75 years ago. As the NHS front-line are our hero’s today, they are our hero’s of then. VE Day and VJ Day should never be forgotten.

For the Fallen

With proud thanksgiving, a mother for her children,
England mourns for her dead across the sea.
Flesh of her flesh they were, spirit of her spirit,
Fallen in the cause of the free.

Solemn the drums thrill: Death august and royal
Sings sorrow up into immortal spheres.
There is music in the midst of desolation
And a glory that shines upon our tears.

They went with songs to the battle, they were young,
Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

They mingle not with their laughing comrades again;
They sit no more at familiar tables of home;
They have no lot in our labour of the day-time;
They sleep beyond England’s foam.

But where our desires are and our hopes profound,
Felt as a well-spring that is hidden from sight,
To the innermost heart of their own land they are known
As the stars are known to the Night;

As the stars that shall be bright when we are dust,
Moving in marches upon the heavenly plain,
As the stars that are starry in the time of our darkness,
To the end, to the end, they remain.

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Fun Story, General

Showmen, Covid and The NHS

3 May 2020

Showmen Thank The NHS. Like many business’s at the minute, the funfair industry has pretty much ceased to exist. With events cancelled up until the middle of the summer and beyond. Indeed some Christmas events are now being cancelled, we are not sure when we will be allowed to operate again.

The common opinion is that it will be next year before events start to come out of the lockdown. We can’t see all the sacrifices made during the lockdown period being swept aside by letting major festivals go ahead. And rightly so. The important thing at the minute is saving lives, hard as it sounds, business will need to take a back seat.

Showmen are an enterprising breed, many have rapidly started small food delivery business’s to keep some income rolling in. There must be a massive market in home delivered fruit and veg. If the amount of showmen who have turned greengrocer is any indication.

Saying Thank You

The showmen however, in the midst of seeing their livelihoods disappear, and with no real idea when they will be allowed to work again, have found time to say thank you to our heroic front line NHS staff and key workers.

We have all stood and clapped to let them know how we feel, but around the country, groups of showmen have raised funds to show their appreciation in a practical way.

Many hospitals put calls out for toiletries and such like. As patients were ending up on Corvid wards, with no supplies. Because of the current visiting rules, their families couldn’t come to see them and bring what they needed.

In short order groups of showmen have raised not inconsiderable sums to purchase toiletries, bottled water, things like pot noodles and other snacks to help alleviate the hospitals shortage.

Showmen’s Guild

In my native North East, the funfair trade body made a donation to start the ball rolling. A number of showmen also took it upon themselves to raise funds.

One member donated a vehicle to be used for delivering the items. Another who runs a small sign making business, lettered the vehicle up free of charge.

They made delivery runs to a number of Northern hospitals. Other showmen added to this and covered smaller centres such as care homes.

I have touched upon the Northern Section of the industry, purely because I come from the area. But the same thing has taken place in most parts of the UK. North East local press reported on the story.

It just goes to show, “There is no business like show business”, and the Showmen thank the NHS to show their appreciation.

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General

High Speed Dyson Design

30 April 2020

The whole world is toiling under this awful virus. We are all sat waiting to see just how bad things get. And just how much the NHS buckles under the strain.

One of the most vital bits of kit we are told, is the ventilator. Crucial to help patients keep breathing, as it seems to be the lungs that are the main focus of Corvid 19’s attack.

Current medical suppliers just aren’t able to ramp up production of their existing designs, as obviously their production facilities just aren’t built to meet the worldwide demand coming in.

The government decided to ask industry for help. The upshot is that 3 approaches have materialised. Dyson, the revolutionary vacuum cleaner company have designed a quite sophisticated machine, compact and capable of operating from battery power.

Gtech, again a vacuum company have designed a quite primitive looking system, which runs purely off the oxygen supply in the hospital. I don’t mean to demean the design by calling it basic, that very fact may mean that it can be produced quickly and cheaply to meet the demand.

The third leg is a consortium of companies such as McLaren, Airbus, Mercedes, who are working with existing suppliers to replicate their design. The benefits obviously being that an established design should be easier to get regulatory approval passed.

Dyson CoVent

Dyson’s machine above looks sleek, compact and quite hi-tech. It needs to garner medical approval, but its reported that initial tests have proven the concept. What really stands out here I think. Is the fact that from being asked, to delivering this prototype was a mere 10 days. Dyson are claiming that if approval is forthcoming, they can ramp production up in early April.

If we have engineers and designers capable of pulling this off in such a time frame, imagine what the country could do if it can work like this when we don’t have a global pandemic to content with.

Gtech

Gtech’s offering is probably as far removed as possible from Dyson’s and indeed standard models. But that could turn out to be a blessing. Looking at the individual components, this looks like it could be so simple and quick to assemble. This might be just what the world needs.

Whatever model, or combination of models are eventually chosen. Its nice to know that industry can respond so well in such an emergency.

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